35 Weeks, 1 Day: Mama Bear is Appearing… aka I’m Freaking Out!

Last night I completely broke down and started crying and freaking out because we don’t have furniture in the nursery yet….  I think frustration over my hip problems and not being able to get out and even walk in stores was a huge contributing factor, but I also just really don’t feel ready.  35 weeks has been one of the landmark weeks in my mind all along and, now that it’s here, the birth feels so imminent.  One week until I can have a home birth, two weeks until Baby is full-term, five weeks until our due date….  I just wanted to feel more prepared by now, inside and out.

The ironic part is that this whole breakdown came just a couple hours after I sat there and  told my husband that I DID feel ready.  Proof that I’m going insane.

And now, today, I’m crying again because I’m trying to make plans for postpartum so that things can go smoothly and the three of us can have plenty of privacy and bonding time, but my wishes are all coming across as cold and rigid.  Not what I want to communicate.  I’m just scared.  Very scared.  It’s something completely new, having a baby to care for, and the reality of that is much scarier than the prospect of birth itself.  Probably because I feel so protective of the baby and know that he/she will suddenly be out in the world where all kinds of things can and will happen….  I feel so selfish, but I just want to keep my baby close for awhile and not let the rest of the world in unless I feel like it.  And maybe I will feel like it, but I just want to be in control of that.  Aha- control!  That’s probably the real issue- my need to always control things.  I know in my head, in my rational thinking, that I can’t, but it doesn’t mean I don’t naturally want to or that my mommy instincts aren’t already kicking in in larger-than-life proportions.  I know that some people, if they see that, won’t understand, but I guess that’s just going to have to be ok.  I’ve been given a protective instinct for a reason, and the best I can do is use utilize it to make good things happen for our family.

When I think realistically about our life, I KNOW that we aren’t going to have a problem with tons of people dropping by, wanting to stay for hours, wanting to touch Baby with disease-ridden hands, wanting to give unsolicited advice, trying invade our space, wondering why we’re taking a few weeks out just to focus on Baby.  Most people have done this before, and they understand.  We do a great job in our regular life of safe-guarding our time together and making our home a peaceful inviting place, and our families are respectful and sensitive.

Really, I don’t need to worry, but still I do sometimes.  Maybe it’s the horror stories you hear of people who have had some really bad experiences postpartum.  I remember the first time I started to worry about this- when I read a this-is-how-it-really-is account of feeling sore, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, smothered etc. and just wanting people to freaking back off!  It made me worry that I’d feel that way too and that I wouldn’t know how to handle it.   Hopefully, though, by dealing with these thoughts, fears, and plans now, I can feel more relaxed about postpartum when I actually get there.

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. laughingpromises
    Nov 13, 2012 @ 17:48:50

    I am positive I’ll be experiencing the same feelings in a few weeks. Just last night I had some mama bear type dreams where someone was trying to hurt me and the baby and I had to get all karate on them. It was a weird dream, but I’m thinking it’s reflecting some of those feelings already.

    You will be a great mom, I can tell. I may not know you in real life, but I’ve read your posts enough to know that you will love this baby with everything you are and your hubby will be the same way. 🙂

    Reply

    • travelnole
      Nov 13, 2012 @ 17:54:26

      Thank you, what a sweet thing to say! sniff sniff 🙂

      I know you’ll be an incredible mom as well! Your son will LOVE it if you “get all karate” on the bad guy, lol!

      Reply

  2. Tiff
    Nov 26, 2012 @ 09:02:01

    This is normal, you sound like you will be an absolutely amazing mamma. So excited to hear of your homebirth, I am a student midwife, I can’t wait to hear your birth story.

    Reply

  3. Trackback: Alex is 11 Months Old!! | Natural Birth and Parenting

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