34 Weeks, 6 Days: Sacroiliac Joint Pain, Leaky Nipples, and Surrender

I’m mad at myself.  Things were going so well and I feel like I just screwed it up.  I can barely walk and and it’s all my fault, so I’m going to complain for a bit here.

Monday, I spent about 4 hours digging up some iris that need to be replanted.  It was hard work, but I was really proud of myself when I was done.  I also felt really good that day, probably because I spent all that time in the sunshine and fresh air.  It really made my hips hurt, though, and the pain didn’t go away until Thursday.

So, on Thursday when my friend asked if I wanted to go to yoga, I went.  I thought it could only be good for me, and I was feeling so guilty that I hadn’t gone SINCE I’VE BEEN PREGNANT!  …Well, I guess it was a bad choice or I just overdid it or wasn’t fully recovered from Monday because my hip (to the right of my sacrum) began to hurt again right away.  😦

Friday my hip was really hurting, but I “had” to go pick up some groceries for the weekend, so I pushed the cart around the store for at least an hour (mostly because I had to walk so slowly).  By the time my husband got home Friday I had cooked 3 recipes and was ready to cry because my hip had been hurting so much all day.  I was really feeling sorry for myself, suffering alone all day.  Still, I went to the bonfire event for the youth group we’re helping with in our church.  I felt so old, though (college students asked me what I do and then looked taken aback when I told them I was getting read to be a mom… guess I look young still- that should make me happy), and a little disoriented in the dark with the uneven ground and all the people.  I seriously worried that someone would knock me over.  Pathetic.

Yesterday, I went to church even though I had to move at a snail’s pace.  It was embarrassing to walk 0.3 miles/hour.  After church and lunch with my husband’s parents, I took a nap and then we went to dinner and a movie with 3 other couples- THAT was really fun!  One of the other girls is pregnant and due about a month after me.   The entire evening, though, every step brought shooting pain and I began to plan all my movements carefully to avoid moving very much.  I realized with great regret that I should have been completely off my feet for the past couple of days instead of walking around the grocery store, cooking, walking around on uneven ground, or going to church even.  😦

A little bit of Googling tells me that it’s my right sacroiliac joint that’s torturing me.  All that relaxin made me so flexible- TOO flexible- and I’ve injured myself somehow.  I’m so frustrated because, even though I’ve accomplished most of the more physically intensive tasks that need doing to get ready for the baby, I still have plenty to do each day that involves just WALKING, and that is now really difficult to do.  Switching out laundry, walking to the bathroom, getting some food from the kitchen….

I want to believe that a few days of rest and icing will make this better but, like every other pregnant malady, I feel like it’s going to last until the baby is born, and that really freaks me out!  I don’t want to deal with this pain too during labor!  I want to be able to walk and move and do distracting activities and change positions!  If the problem doesn’t improve in the next couple of days, I need to find the appropriate Dr. to see about this, but I’m not even sure who the heck that would be.  I’ve e-mailed my midwife to get her suggestions, and I’ve gotten some advice from friends, so I’m not totally without resources.  Mostly, though, I just feel discouraged and severely limited.  I think I’ve figured out that I can handle about 2 days of pain and then it really starts to get to me.  Hopefully I’m not in labor for longer than that…..

On the positive side, my husband has been so sweet to me.  Helping me in and out of the car, bringing me things so I don’t have to walk, and insisting that I stay off my feet.  He is truly wonderful to me, and I have really seen all the beautiful facets of his personality during this pregnancy!  🙂

My next biggest symptom lately has been lactation.  I’m producing quite a bit of colostrum every day now.  When our birth class teacher showed us how much liquid a newborn’s stomach can hold at once, I realized that I can TOTALLY produce that right now.  That makes me pretty happy because I feel like I won’t have a problem with my milk supply.  I’m sure the raspberry tea is already helping with that.  Anyway, I usually can and do express some colostrum every evening before bed- partly because it’s kinda fascinating and partly because it seems like if I don’t then I leak.  I didn’t express much at all last night and, sure enough, I was startled from a near sleep twice to realize that I was leaking in bed.  I think it’s weird that I seem to make more milk at night than in the morning because I always thought it was the other way around.  Maybe it’s different when your full milk supply comes in or when you actually have a baby that’s draining you at all times of the day.  This breastfeeding stuff is all so interesting and mystifying all at once.  I can’t wait to get started!

I’ve been thinking the  past couple of days about how it makes sense to sacrifice ourselves for our children.  After all, we won’t live this life forever, so why not give our best to the next generation?  I mean, I know that we can’t wreck ourselves at this point because our children need to us to take care of them for many years still until they’re able to take care of themselves (and us), but motherhood and parenting changes us.  My body is undergoing a lot of changes right now, and though I will heal I will never be completely the same.  And that’s ok.  I can surrender to that.  It’s something I want to remember while giving birth, especially when I feel like I’m going to rip in two.

My husband brought out the point though that even though there are changes, they’re not necessarily bad, and I thought that was a really sweet observation.  It’s just change, and my body is doing what it was designed to do.  It’s fulfilling a purpose that it was meant for.  I read in someone’s birth story that she described her body as “enjoying itself” during pregnancy and labor and I really really loved that idea.  Even when it feels to our thinking brains that we are suffering or undergoing hardship during this process, our bodies are living a dream, coming into their own, doing their thing!  I think that if I can get to that more primal, basic, instinctual part of myself I’ll be able to feel that.

I recently began to read the book “Birthing From Within” by Pam England and Rob Horowitz and found this amazing quote near the beginning referring to the experience of a woman in labor:

“The mounting intensity of labor forces complete surrender of our body and will, dissolving our egos, ideas, and familiar sense of self.  We’re not afraid of dying because there is no “self” left to resist and fear.  At that transcendent moment we have become birth itself.  This is the spiritual birth of woman into mother.”

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. andi
    Nov 11, 2012 @ 21:44:22

    aww i hope you feel better soon. 😦 wow only a month to go. you are so close. i love you dear. you are kicking butt at this pregnancy thing

    Reply

    • travelnole
      Nov 11, 2012 @ 21:58:54

      Haha, Thanks! Today I feel like pregnancy is kicking MY butt (literally), but I’m thankful for your vote of confidence 😀

      Reply

  2. Trackback: Chiropractic Care and Pregnancy « Natural Birth

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