Baby-Making Sex and Conception Plans

I finally have my first piece of experience-derived advice to offer on the topic of conception.  Unfortunately it cost me an argument with my husband.  No, a fight.  It’s literally the first  time that’s felt like an actual fight with him.  Ever.  And it’s because I lost my temper- a rarity for me, but I totally lost my ability to remain logical and in control.  I spazzed out in a major way.  I don’t want to talk about it because it was dumb and embarrassing, but I will because I learned something important.

On the surface, I felt frustrated and angry because he told me it was too late and he was too tired to try some baby-making that night.  I felt that he didn’t care as much as I did about giving each month our best try, and I was having trouble dealing with feeling both rejected and anxious (which I often feel when things don’t go as I have planned regarding sex).  I was so angry I left the bedroom in a huff, after which my husband fell asleep.  I sat in the darkened living room freaking out and muttering angrily to myself- telling myself that he must not really be ready to have a baby and, for that matter, maybe I wasn’t either since I couldn’t even handle trying to conceive and it was only the first month!  I thought baby-making was supposed to be fun!  I thought the man was supposed to just LOVE all the baby-making sex!  He must be making excuses because he doesn’t really want to try yet, I thought.  We must not be on the same page about this at all!

Unable to calm myself, I ended up going back to the bedroom and waking my husband,  insisting that we had to talk RIGHT NOW! Poor man didn’t know if he was awake or dreaming during the first bit of our conversation.  I declared my grievances to him in a jumble of words through angry sobs.  He’d never seen me like that before and I scared him.  I scared myself.  I honestly didn’t understand why I was such a mess.  Finally I calmed down and began to talk to him.  I realized that, deep down, I’m scared for some reason that we won’t ever be able to get pregnant.  Well, I knew I was afraid of this, but I didn’t realize it was the true issue that night.  I felt like maybe we were just trying to do something that we’d never succeed at, like little kids playing house.  I also felt a little bit alone, like I was pushing conception all by myself.

My friends, I married a wonderful man!  He assured me that he loves me, that I’m not alone in this, that he does want to have a baby right now, and that I’m not crazy (yes, I asked).  He also asked if I would like to make a conception plan together, which I heartily agreed to.  We first made it clear that if it’s after ten o’clock, I should assume that he is too tired for sex, for baby-making or not.  I know this because he has told me before, but I don’t always believe it.  I need to respect that though, and I should also probably try to be up for more morning sex.  😉  After that, we basically decided that during my fertile days, we will really focus on having sex- that will be our only plan for the evening, to have sex before ten o’clock.  We won’t make other plans, we won’t schedule other things, we won’t expect anything else.  I can’t tell you how much better it made me feel to have made a plan together.  It had kind of been our unspoken plan all along I suppose, but putting it into words made a big difference.

People have said that once you start trying to get pregnant, sex is different.  And they’re right.  Unless you’re not really thinking about the fact that you’re currently fertile (and maybe some people can forget, but I can’t), sex suddenly has more than one purpose.  Normally you only do it when you want to, but during those fertile days, well….  It’s a small window.  Unfortunately, I still haven’t ovulated this cycle, so all that baby-making stuff on vacation was unproductive.  For baby-making at least.  We still had a lot of fun, especially when we had to get creative in Tahoe 😉

So.  My advice is this: talk about your plan to conceive, and be very honest and up-front about what you are going to do in your quest to make babies.  You may think that it will be too forced or scheduled if you talk about it this way, but you will both feel that you are a team, you’ll know what to expect, and you’ll hopefully avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  🙂


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. andi
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 14:22:42

    wow i can totally see that exact senario happening with me and yazzie. hes so great though about my monthly pms freakout that i know he would be very kind about that too.


    • travelnole
      Apr 22, 2012 @ 14:48:02

      Good 🙂 This was the most off-my-rocker I’ve ever gone. I remember thinking: “It’s happening. I’m finally losing my last marble.”


  2. Kendra
    Oct 28, 2012 @ 01:19:49

    this sounds so much like me lol


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