Protecting Your Marriage Through Change, Disappointment, And Stress

So, this week we moved. It was busy and chaotic and I still can’t find anything in this mess of boxes and bags and what-not. The end goal is our dream house, and I’m trying to keep that in mind, but I struggled to remain calm and objective this week. On Sunday, after I took that pregnancy test and got the disappointing negative, we had to precede to move most of our shockingly large collection of belongings, and it was the worst possible day to do it. I get much too attached to the places I live, and I was already struggling to deal with leaving our little condo. I must have seemed like a crazy woman to my husband that day. He is the kindest and most understanding man I could ever wish for, but I could tell that I was pushing the lunacy a little too far even for him when I heard the rare frustration in his tone. It freaked me out a little. I realized I was trying to be super controlling of every little thing that happened, and when anything didn’t go as planned I was throwing a mini tantrum inside like an overgrown three-year-old.  And I was taking my disappointment and stress out on him. In short, it was a very bad day for me, and I’m glad it’s over.

I realized though that I need to change my attitude. Maybe I have a problem dealing with stress and disappointment. I KNOW I have trouble dealing with change. But what if we can’t have a baby when we like? What if it takes a long time or what if it never happens? For the first time ever, I understood how problems and busyness and stress and change can cause a rift in a marriage. I understood how infertility or miscarriage or the loss of a child can be toxic to a marriage. If you allow yourselves to focus on the problem or traumatic event at the expense of taking care of and respecting each other, if you have anger and disappointment and grief that you let spill over onto the person closest to you, that relationship will decay. I’m positive that if I allow myself to react in this way to smaller things (like moving), that when something bigger comes along in our lives (and I’m sure it will, because even having a baby would be a bigger change), the pattern I’d set would be so much more difficult to break.

Maybe people don’t realize what they’re doing until it’s been happening for months or years.  It’s so easy to begin to feel sorry for yourself, to feel entitled: “Well, I shouldn’t have to deal with this. Look at what I’m going through!” It’s so easy to expect your partner to do everything perfectly. Then when they don’t (and they never will when you’re looking at it through those lenses), you blame them for your unhappiness.

I apologized to my husband that night, he admitted that he probably also had been low on patience (though I thought he hid it well), and I made a conscious decision not to let “us” get lost in the chaos and confusion of life. I made a decision not to blame or punish him when change or difficult kicks my butt. I need to work on that every day.  He is my constant and should be rewarded as such. He keeps me positive, he keeps me grounded, he keeps me feeling like I’m NOT a lunatic when I think I might be pregnant and talk of nothing else.

Speaking of pregnant, I’m not. Not yet. After I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday and got another negative, I didn’t hope as much. My period showed up right on time three days later. I feel ok about it. While the possibility is there, I want it so badly. The waiting really is the worst part, wondering if a tiny human is beginning it’s life or if it’s business as usual. But I still have next month. I’m really trying to work on being ok with this taking awhile (back to the issues with control and plans and such). I’ve prayed that I will want a baby when God wants us to have one, because this is all really in His hands. I know He has a perfect plan for us and I want to trust Him. He did bring me my incredible husband after all. 🙂  It took me way too long to trust Him with that area of my life, and I hope I can be a little better with this one.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Brittany Garza
    Feb 05, 2012 @ 04:05:55

    I can completely relate. We have been trying for 8 months, and at this point, I am able to put it more into His hands. It is so difficult to hand over control, but this cycle has been much more relaxed because of it. Of course, I am still taking the routine medicine and vitamins, and taking bbt, but I am not stressing about every symptom. It was getting to be too difficult to get my hopes up and get let down every time.

    Reply

    • travelnole
      Feb 05, 2012 @ 22:27:41

      Yeah, handing over control seems to be one of the most difficult things to do in life. But so important sometimes. After stressing out so much this month, I think I’ll probably read into my body’s every twitch a little less next time around (or maybe not). 🙂 Thing is, I have no idea what it might feel like to actually be pregnant, but I so want it to feel immediately different when I am! Hey, thanks for reading my blog, and I hope you get your little miracle soon!

      Reply

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