Wondering If I’m Pregnant…. Again

Wondering again, that is.  Not wondering if I’m pregnant again.  Word order….

Anyway!  So for the third cycle in a row, we were careless enough with our contraception that I’m left wondering (day and night) if we’re pregnant.  Actually, in our defense, I did ovulate about five days early.  My husband likes to say that I tried to trick him, but really it was my body tricking us both.  In all this month, there were about three instances in which we could have conceived.  Wow.  And one of those time was the DAY BEFORE I ended up ovulating!  So really, even if we’d been trying to conceive I don’t know if we could have done much better.

I hope I am and I hope I’m not.  Most of the days this week were spent reminding my self over and over that I’m supposed to be hoping I’m not.  We are going on a snowboarding trip in exactly two weeks, but if I’m pregnant I would probably not be able to actually snowboard.  This makes things complicated.  It’s not about the snowboarding itself- sure I’d miss it, but there will be other times.  What it’s really about is not being able to keep my pregnancy a secret as long as I want to.  My sister is going with us one day, and for the rest of the week we’re boarding with some other couple friends- some of whom I know sorta well and some that I barely know at all!  It really pisses me off when I think about having to tell those people before I even tell my family- but if we told our families this early plus told the people on the snowboarding trip, then we might as well tell the whole world!  And I DO NOT want to do that so early!  I would barely be five weeks pregnant at that time and would have only just found out for sure for myself.  I’m ok with telling my sister, I’ve decided.  She might be disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to board with her day that, but everything would be fine (the prospect of being an auntie would surely drown those disappointed feelings) and she would be one of the first people I would tell anyway.  Also, I know that she could keep the news to herself until May (when we’re going to visit my parents and would plan to tell them).  But all the other people…. I just don’t know what to do.

If I could go boarding while pregnant then none of this would be a concern.  The problem is that from what I’ve read it’s probably not a  good idea- especially since I’m quite a beginner and will most certainly fall numerous times.  Advice anyone?  I’ve heard of women who do it and are fine, but I guess I’d rather not jeopardize a baby’s life.  If it weren’t for the irritation of having to explain myself to others, there would really be no question.

It’s just one month too early to be pregnant.  I had a dentist’s appointment scheduled for Tuesday to get fillings, but had to call and cancel since I won’t know for sure by then.

Ok, so here’s my plan:  Tomorrow morning I’m taking a pregnancy test with my first morning pee.  It will have been (based on when my trusty endo pains came) 9 or 10 days post-ovulation.  I’m using the First Response Early Detection test and am hoping to avoid a false negative.  If I get a positive, well then I’ll assume I’m pregnant and will start planning how to tell my sis.  If I get a negative, I won’t assume I’m not pregnant and will wait a few days to test again, maybe until after my period would have begun.  I know there are all kinds of fancy abbreviations out there for these terms, but I probably will never use them.  I like to write out words so that everyone can understand.

Sigh.  Even though being pregnant right now is less convenient than if it was one month from now, I still can’t help but hope.  And if I’m not- well, I know I’ll be disappointed no matter what.  It’s just in my nature right now to want it.  Also (and for some reason this is NOT what I’ve been thinking about all week- at least not consciously), at least I wouldn’t have to wait another month (or more) and worry that I’m infertile.  I remembered that fear of mine as I was drifting off to sleep last night and it woke me back up with a start.  It’s a horrible thought, and I realized that I would MUCH rather be pregnant a month early than to have to deal with infertility.

Oh yeah, one of the reasons I’m blogging today- I’m experiencing some very slight cramping that is unlike the usual endo pains that I have at this time.  Hmmmmmm…. implantation cramping?  It feels a lot like the pain I get right before I ovulate.  Little pinpricks on my right side by my ovary.  Somewhat centered, somewhat off-centered.  I know that I’m hypersensitive to everything my body is doing right now, so maybe I’m nearly imagining it (or at least imagining that it’s different from the endo pain).  Or maybe not…..

Oh, something else that I think is cool- if I’m pregnant right now my due date (as calculated by two different sites) would be 10/11/12!  How cool is that??  I’m such a sucker for symbolic numbers and patterns.

Ok, it’s been good to get this out.  Whatever happens, I’ve decided I’m at peace with it.  Every life beginning is unique and doesn’t always happen just when we think it should.  But it is always perfect in the end.   If pregnant, I’ll find a way to tell or not tell whomever I want.  If not pregnant, I’ll trust that God is waiting for just the perfect time to give us that blessing.  🙂

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Facing Endometriosis Without Ibuprofen « Natural Birth
  2. A Sweet Life
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 20:18:47

    Hi! Just reading your blog, and wanted to thank you for sharing your journey. I just started a blog as well about trying to get pregnant. Check it out!

    Reply

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